I AM MAKING A COMEBACK

Harry Potter and The Cursed Child has inspired me once again, to read nonsense.

That is all. 

THE FINAL PROGRAMME

Well. I'm back to reading a few things. This was another book lent to me for perusal due to a hideous cover design. It actually has TWO covers. I'm not sure if they didn't know which one was worse or what, but I've not seen a book with two covers in a while. Also, MICHAEL MOORCOCK. We're in for a trip.

THE FINAL PROGRAMME by Michael Moorcock. 

Expectations: 
This dude is HORRIFIED by the terrible 70's quilt! EVERYTHING IS WRONG HALP. I seriously have no idea. I tried to ignore the text and just pay attention to the small screaming man in the middle of an eye-offending design. 

What I Got:
  I admit it, I was so desperate for a book to read I embraced this like a hobo clutches a stray PBR he's stolen from a college party. It read like a series of screwed up British dystopian short stories centered around a very unlikable rich jerk who has quite possibly, the most messed up adventures ever. 
   Jerry Cornelius dandies around future London in smart jackets and fancy cravat shirts, engaging in all kinds of odd promiscuity and indulgence. He gathers some guys to break into his deceased father's house so he can kick his brother Frank's ass and rescue his sister/lover Catherine. Yeah, so sideline there... he's doing his sister. Great. Anyway, he ends up shooting her to death with his needle gun on accident and that whole plotline goes away. Thank God. The second plot is that Jerry's father was working on some crazy research that some of these housebreakers want; particularly Miss Brunner, who is some kind of cross between a snarky school marm and a succubus. She sexes people and absorbs them in some way not quite explained. She's also kind of badass... like a White Court Vampire and a CS major in one.
    After Frank gets away and Jerry is left shot up with needles, he's rescued by Miss Brunner. Brunner clearly has some thing for cravats because she's all about trying to get Jerry to go catch Frank and get this programme data she's trying to acquire for some sort of nebulous purpose Jerry doesn't think too much about because he's a huge idiot, despite his witty one-liners. There are Nazis and a secret base and more parties. And more parties. And humanity's decline. 
    While mankind is destroying itself Jerry and Miss Brunner are traipsing around in Elysian fields while the programme completes. In the end Miss Brunners stunning "final programme" is to get sexytimes on with Jerry, and for some reason they combine into one androgynous new god of mankind. They lead the whole of the UK populace into the sea and then decide to go take over the US. End book.

   I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. 

Cover Execution:
1/10 
WTF. I have no idea. I guess if I knew I was going to get assaulted and turn into an androgynous world-redeeming god I'd be screaming too. So that's what the point is for. 

PS: Some things that come up in this book...

Driving in a car drinking scotch like it ain't no thing
Swedish girls
The worst nightclubs ever
White paint co-ed wrestling
Psychedelic attack lights
Butt-slapping everyone
Underground caves
If you see a computer that says DUEL on it, destroy that shit and run

I'M COMING BACK SOON

So, my new phone has Netfix on it... and I have WiFi at the gym... and after watching all of Twin Peaks and Avengers:World's Mightiest Heroes I started watching Buffy again. BIG MISTAKE. I have read almost nothing in months. I'm vowing to renew my reading habits and stop falling under the thrall of Joss Whedon.

Seriously I've got a STACK of books to read with horrible covers. 

FILE M FOR MURDER

This book was a gift from someone who knows I love 3 things in life. Cats. Bad Book Covers. MURDER. 

FILE M FOR MURDER: by Miranda James.

Expectations:

This pudgy cat is intense. He's looking through these books because someone got murdered and he's going to solve the case! The secrets are in the books! Please tell me this is a detective cat and he can talk like that Wishbone kids show or something. Probably not, but that would be cool. 

What I got:

Well. No. The cat belongs to the main character, a very affable widower called Charlie who is a librarian and has two very nice full-grown children and many charming friends in the community of Mississippi where he lives. He gets caught up in criminal cases a lot, and this time his daughter is in trouble and some jerk ex-boyfriend of hers gets murdered.  

The cat, "Diesel", is his big Maine Coon he takes everywhere and walks around on a leash. Diesel doesn't speak or solve murders exactly but he "warbles", "chirps", "mutters" and all kinds of strange descriptions of cats making cat sounds. He is also awesome and gets Charlie attention from all the ladies in town. Seriously, what I've learned is that women apparently love men with cats. So if anyone wants a date, get yourself a giant cat on a leash. BAM. The ladies can't resist it. I mean, I even had a soft spot for Charlie by the time the book was over. He was very charming and kind and clever and - SEE? SEE THERE? Works every time. 

My biggest issue with this book was how damn anticlimactic it was. They worked up forever to the end and then literally there was no fight involving giant cats or anything. I was totally expecting Diesel to go crazy and attack the murderer. I was disappointed. 

Cover Execution:

6/10

Meh. There was a cat and he does go to the library with Charlie but one of the biggest issues is that I didn't even NOTICE the butterfly on the book. It blends right in and explains the cat's doings about those books and his intense look. I call this a failure in legibility more so than a bad cover. But I also like cats and books so I'm biased. 

PULP COVERS

I need to find these books. I love pulp covers so much. 

IT JUST WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. DO NOT FEAR SUPER-SCIENCE.

How horrifying! That cat has murdered a fish!

Well this place must suck but the space-cravat is amazing.

SEMAPHORE: *(AKA: STONY SLASH FICTION, Y'ALL)

I am a believer in the mantra that you cannot judge a book or genre entirely without at least reading one of them to better understand them. I've lately been making tons of fun of Avengers slash fiction (just don't ask why this comes up in my life so often)... and I figured I'd better find one with a cover and just get it over with so I can make fun of Marvel Slashfic forever. Particularly Stony. Shut up about Stony, women of the internet! IT IS NOT A REAL THING. These two would make a terrible couple. 

I am going to regret this endeavor. 

SEMAPHORE by Devil Doll.

Expectations:
For one glorious moment I thought maybe this book was about Tony Stark and Steve Rogers fighting the Devil Doll from Trilogy of Terror at the top of Stark Tower. This is how hard my mind subliminally rejects this whole genre. However, okay... Slash. Right. Steve's making a stupid puppy dog face and I guess Tony's all looking wistful. This seems innocent enough, but my God, I'm scared. Also, what the HELL is a "semaphore"? I had to actually look up a word that titles a SLASH FICTION and this enraged me. "Signaling method"? 

Okay, okay... they are going to like, flirt and give some kind of mansigns to each other that they would like to engage in a relationship. They will have sex atop Stark tower, probably after drinking, because Tony is really good at drinking. There. That's my guess. 

What I got:
... I'm... wait. 
Let me explain how this went. It was 99 pages long. Which was, pretty effing longer than I expected. And honestly, I was charmed with it for a while. It was like reading a bizarre "Avengers slice-of-life" story where they just hang out together and cook and talk and you get a little insight into what a superteam does on their days off. (And what kind of Halloween parties they throw). There were some hilarious and actually well-written moments (Namor, I love it when you show up anywhere)- some parts that made me feel sad (the drawn-out, realistic breakup between Pepper and Tony;  the friendship between Steve and a 90 year old granny being his most meaningful connection), and epic moments of partying by Thor and the Asgardians that seemed to feel, well- all comic-booky and adorable and generally people felt in-character. 
There were several cultural bits thrown in for relevance, and cameos by other Marvel universe characters- and I'm going to even argue that the bit making fun of Twighlight was funny as hell. 

Listen, long story short and avoiding talking about Stark/Rogers action which was pretty clearly described (I admit I skipped over a lot of it, I just.. I can't.) - I was shocked to find that the whole thing felt... "wholesome"? I was expecting something horribly written and somehow awful and dumb and it just came off like a sweet love story fluff-fiction about two broken-hearted people falling in love and... and... for the love of God it had a freaking cookie recipe from Clint Barton at the end!? 

CURSE YOU DEVIL DOLL. Just because your stupid story wasn't horrendously bad doesn't mean I'm not still on Team Pepperony forever! 

Cover Execution:
7/10
Stark and Rogers do it in Stark Tower after 55 pages of doing a lot of soul-searching and talking about feelings and staring longingly. Could it have killed Devil Doll to find a picture of Chris Evans that wasn't Chris Evans and looked more like Steve Rogers? WHAT THE HELL. THAT IS MY COVER CRITIQUE? I need to go ... wash my mind with bleach. 

(I laughed when Steve exclaimed "Holy Cow!". I did. Did they just "50 Shades" us?!)

MACHOPONI: A PRANCE WITH DEATH

This was a gift from a friend I've been saving up to read for a time when I really needed a good boost. I'm a really simple soul and sometimes you just need to read a book about killer bastardizations of My Little Ponies to make you smile, you know?

MACHOPONI: A PRANCE WITH DEATH by Lotus Rose. 

Expectations:
YES. This badass pony and his girlfriend have just slaughtered a dozen Carebears. These ponies are awesome. They will go on adventures and fight evil bears and prance in the moonlight under the starry sky. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, LOTUS ROSE. 

What I Got:
Sometimes, a book tries just too hard to be bad. And then your mind flips over wholly and looks for shining literary wisdom and beautiful, harmonious metaphor in it. Let me regale you with what I believe Lotus Rose's true meaning was:

The beautiful temptress will lead you astray, betraying your heart and drawing you into danger she yearns for. Regardless of your genuine macho nobility, and the amount of your own childhood you will rip apart in your quest; (leaving behind a bloody, crying mess of nostalgia)- she will only draw you deeper into misery. Innocence is lost along the way as you fight to impress her. You will experience drugs, perversions, lies, and lose your very soul in a hopeless, naive floundering of machismo. In the end she and her issues are revealed as intense self-destruction, anorexia, and cold indifference to your love. She will cast you back from the land of shadows you have followed her deep into; her final redemption will be giving your empty shell life again, forgetting she existed. She will twist forever in her misery as you move on with your life. 

Shit was deep. I feel like Hemingway could have taken some notes here. 

Cover Execution:
8/10
Technically Dust doesn't get that tramp stamp for a while into the book, and never appears with Machoponi as he slays the don'tcarebears. And they have porcupine quills for some reason. Other than that, spot on. 

PS: Lotus Rose is a goth guy who is working hard to copywrite the corruptagram, the tattoo on Dust's hindquarters. I'm serious. 
PSS: Friendship is Magic.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

I had to take a cross-country flight recently, and I forgot my Nook. So I needed something to pass the 4.5 hours of boredom that was at least more exciting than crossword puzzles. Staring at me from the airport book store shelves were about 100 copies of this glossy-covered paperback. It seemed like a sign... clearly this was the time to find out what all this Fifty Shades of Nonsense was about. 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY by E.L. James

Expectations:
You know, well... I like this cover. It's minimal, I like the business serif font, and I have a penchant for ties. Also this is a decent attempt at a Windsor knot, but slightly disheveled. Oh I see what you're doing there. You shameless book. 

Also, I've heard all the Bingo Club grannies are in a twitter over this book's titillations  I expect a man with a tie to get saucy and have sex with some woman (who probably has poor self esteem and no sexual experience). The man will be exceedingly rich and handsome and well dressed and suave and introduce said woman (and Bingo Club grannies) to bondage involving ties. This is going to be way better than crosswords. 

What I got:
.... Let's make one thing clear. This book isn't a smut romance novel. This book is pretty much straight up porn. I gambled and got WAY more than I expected. Another thing: It's writing is GOD DAMN HORRIBLE. I mean... I was reeling from how amazingly awful it was. Or maybe it was a-swoon from the scandalous nature, I'm not sure. Either way, reeling. 

Plot summary: Anastasia Steele fumblingly meets Christian Grey. Exactly as expected he's some kind of super rich businessman with big buildings and lots of cars and all that stuff. He also has a dungeon in his basement and spends the whole book having sex with Anastasia and enticing her to engage in some kind of totally weird legal contract so he can spank her. I mean, among other things.

Ana is supposed to find some kind of awakening by listening to her "inner goddess". 

"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
"My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge"
“My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream.”
"My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping its hands like a five year old"

Who is apparently an inner moron. 


She also articulates her surprise upon discovering this series of sexual epiphanies by saying "Holy Cow!" Which is just... I mean. I guess this somehow helps these Bingo Grannies relate. But I just kept giggling at it. 


“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How?"

I'm also being very light on the lurid details here so you can just fill in the blanks as to how these things play out. I dare you to read it in public- which is apparently COMPLETELY OKAY socially, which I find the most fascinating part of this whole Fifty Shades phenomenon. 

Cover Execution:
5/10
Okay so it clearly goes out of its way to be ambiguous, yet suggestive. The tie does ah, come into play. So, halfsies here. 

Also, during the flight back I was finishing off reading the book while sitting next to a large, unwashed male who smelled rather offensive. We had the middle seat between us but he still managed to really permeate the area. Anyway, it became clear to me rather quickly that he was dreadfully uncomfortable with my reading material. It was like he was trying to melt into the side of the plane, pressing himself desperately against the window to escape my lurid eyebrow raises and snickers. He was trying to hide his whole head in his neckbeard, I swear to God.

I feel bad about this now but I totally played up my giggles and derisive snorts and "Oh My"s just to watch the poor guy try not to be horrified. It was somewhat empowering to terrify this young man simply with the power of FIFTY SHADES OF LADY PORN. 

Well, I mean... I was getting him back for not showering. Seriously, who gets on a plane smelling like a 3 day old con-LARPer? Not cool, bro. 

"Laters, Baby". 

THE SUBSTITUTE

The greatest thing e-books have done is let people publish things practically for free, and I'm pretty sure the covers are some of the best Photoshop jobs around. I picked this because apparently I am dreadfully amused by books about the terrors of bears. 

THE SUBSTITUTE by Terry Hayman.

Expectations:

This bear is about to mess up your day. He's got (totally natural) red eyes and big teeth and he's going to SUBSTITUTE his salmon dinner for your face! 

What I Got:

A man is sure his daughter is being selected by the evils of nature to serve as a sacrifice, because nature demands random teenage girls be killed to atone for our automobile exhaust and pollution of water supplies and such. He decides to go out into the woods and yell at nature and tell it to kill him instead. Nature then sic's every bit of wildlife, from robins and squirrels and a giant bear on him and literally rip him up and leave him to die. He survives as a bitter, wheelchair bound shell of a man missing several important body parts. 

This is why I never go camping. Nature hates us.

Cover Execution:

8/10

A bear eats off his manhood. You have every right to fear bears. 

HELLER

It's been a while. I'm sure you've not missed my horrible reading adventures. Honestly, I've read a number of good and bad things the past months back but ignored this blog; but this title made me want to return to my chronicles.

HELLER by JD Nixon.

Expectations: 
No bloody idea. Other than HELLER. HELLER must be this saucy chick figure here. (Like all true HELLERs her hair is insane, I might note). Some blond guy is going to try and get the drop on her and she's going to kick his ass. That's what HELLERs do. Asskick! Wait now I'm totally excited about this book. It's going to own. 

What I got: 
... NOPE. HELLER is a super imposing 6'5 blond man who is mysterious and smouldering and has hired short, inept girl to work PR for his surveillance company. Of course he has tons and tons of money and cars and a personal gym and lots of ladies and takes in stray goth kids and burn victims. Tilly the inept young PR lady pines about HELLER and constantly checks out how hot he is and somehow, ends up always fumblingly saving the day for her company. Oh, and to top it off she gets a creepy "HELLER" tattoo on her body to show her devotion. And fantasizes about her hot boss HELLER all the time. And looks at his magnificent mysterious European butt a lot. I'd like to know where the author got this creepy HELLER fetish and how I can stop her from writing any more of these things, because apparently there are 4 of them in this series. 

I hate this impostor Heller so much. I could better tolerate him if I wasn't so jealous of the personal gym and collection of cars. 

Cover Execution:
2/10
...Well. Heller is that... blond thing off to the side. And Inept PR is the figure in the middle. And... HELLER is probably stated about 10 times per page of text in this book. 

....HELLER.

QUEENS OF DELIRIA

I needed to get away from A) romance novels and B) cats. Back to the loving embrace of horrible Sci-Fi for me!

Queens of Deliria by Michael Butterworth. Please note this brilliant idea was by Michael Moorcock.

Expectations:

Well, let's be rather honest. You don't have to be male to notice there's two enormous mammaries framing what appears to be a large Phantasm ball. Also, the face of the female specter is donning rad shades, and has an amazing lens flare on her teeth. I think there's a demon down on the floor of the... I guess this is pinball field. Okay. Spirit trapped in a Phantasm pinball rolls around facing demons as a giant demon boobbeast looks on with smug glee? Really, that's my best guess.

What I Got:

Sweet God. This book is horrible. It's so horrible, I'm having a hard time expressing what it was about- I'm sure I could write a dissertation on the plot and still it would make very little sense. (Of course, this is the second in a trilogy... maybe the first book has some kind of cipher to help comprehend this). I'll attempt to paraphrase.

In the future, there's a Death Machine that makes horrible death music that slowly kills anything that hears it. The whole world has been destroyed in the previous book by death music so the only remaining people are crazed rock fans that listen to the Hawklords- who are the Children of God that are rock legends and zany guys. They play constantly some kind of magical rock music that can stave off the Death Music. They can also play recorded music by blasting it out of guns. There's a ghost of another guy, spirits of angst, some kind of metal bird machine, floating motorbikes, vortexes into the unknown, killer hogs, sexual organ instruments... Oh god I bet you already lost me. And my head hurts. Let's just say this book is such an abyss of WTF, one can lose themselves in it and suddenly- the book is over and you feel, somehow, it's drained you of your life.

And you can never get it back.

Cover Execution:

6/10

There's actually a scene where the Hawklords are sucked into a mystic game of pinball by the Queen of Deleria, who appears as a monstrous fat red woman in the sky. Actually, aside from the fact that the "demon" was really a Hawklord and the man "in" it was a reflection of said Hawklord... this is fairly accurate. However, god damn does this not even begin to cover what happens in this book. At. All.

PS: I totally will find the first book and the sequel. I can't help myself.

I'VE BEEN READING GOOD BOOKS

Which accounts for my complete lack of horrible books lately.

But I have several suggestions lined up. Really, books with cat covers are just becoming too easy. I see what you did there.

Is this seriously a man in a kilt with a cougar?

SOMETHING WILD

So remember when I found that hilarious ad spot for "the bigfoot romance novel" in the back of on of those Cat Fancy's? I had to find that book.

Something Wild by Kimberly Raye.

Expectations:

I don't see a damn bigfoot on this cover at all. It's just a nearly nude man and some of the worst blinged-out gold-scroll I've ever seen. "Legendary Lovers" really? REALLY? Ugh, I... oh man. Okay it's just going to be some crappy romance novel.

What I Got:

A crappy romance novel. You know, I admit- I've read a lot of these things. Way back in school a friend of mine set her dreams on being a romance writer. She would constantly let me borrow these to gauge what plots interested me or what mysteries of the mannish sex we could discern from smut forays. It's a curious industry... there's niches for every woman's dream scantily clad man packed into these wretched titles - and in this book someone is pinpointing the "really tall hairy guy that doesn't talk and has no idea what a boob is". I mean, there's a whole part of this book devoted to the leading man curiously squeezing the leading lady's breast in naive befuddlement.

I'm just saying, I have no idea whose fantasy it is to hang out with a daft mountain wookie that doesn't know what a boob is. But there you are. Ladies, he's all yours.

Anyway, prissy writer goes out to cover a bigfoot story, falls down, breaks ankle, huge mountain man saves her and takes her to his cave... blah blah- I'm sure you can see where this is going. Oh there was a raven-spirit and some telepathic bears. That was kind of cool.

Cover Execution:

9/10

It's a crappy romance novel. The only point is docked for the fact that he's covered in an epic beard for most of the book so this is partially a lie. Also, because I'm just bitterly disappointed there wasn't really a bigfoot in this story.

THE SEA TYRANT

My coworkers have now learned that if I am presented with a horrible book... I will indeed read it. I owe this one to the flea market divings of one such person, who apparently claim it was inspired with http://www.seacaptaindate.com/. Usually romances are sucker punches because the ratio of bad-cover-to-bad-book is freakishly high, but this really presented a special challenge.

The Sea Tyrant by Peter Freuchen

Okay, seriously. The first thing I saw was Captain Haddock beating the crap out of TinTin. And a woman in a fur rug begging for mercy... and love, I guess. That's what the tag line says. So that's my guess: vintage pulp smut of Captain Haddock beating TinTin and refusing beautiful damsels his affections.

What I Got:

... I learned something from this book. If you are a Captain on a whaling ship, your job was to punch everyone in the face. Everyone.

Your sailing recruiter? Beat him and throw him below decks to die.

Your new, eager sailing recruits? Rumble with all of them and nearly kill one with a chair.

Someone offer you tea? Call them a wimp and punch them.

The native woman you're trying to rape not complying? Beat the everliving hell out of that wench with a knotted rope.

Your crew worried about the storm? Hit them until they are unfit for duty.

Have a bad dream? Wake up and punch everyone in arm's reach.

The mail boy not have a letter from your wife? Push him to the floor.

Mutiny? Not when you can punch your whole crew into submission!

Someone took your goddamn chair? Elbow them down.

That woman who removed all her cloths and draped herself on your bed? I don't think so, you hussy- I'm not that kind of man. I'm noble, so I'm going to beat you out of my cabin and leave you naked and bleeding on the deck.

That stupid crewmember who ran you too close to the reef? Punch him into the effing ocean.

Cover Execution:

9/10

Captain Haddock is, indeed, a dick. +9

Not actually a romance novel, but a violent, angry adventure with an unsympathetic hero and a lot of blubber. - 1

PS: The weirdest thing about this book is it was written by the author as based on his experiences on a whaling ship. I'm never getting near a whaling ship. Ever.

THE CAT'S FANCY

Well. You know what they say... third time's the charm?

The Cat's Fancy by Gwynn E. Ambrose

Expectations:

You know, I'm not even sure anymore. The last two guesses were so far off, I'm actually afraid to presume this book could be as normal as I suspect it will be. A) Written by some crazy cat lady. B) Probably a romance C) Bad. I could make wild speculation as to this cat actually being a demon or this cat transforming into a handsome, droll gentleman to woo unknowing human ladies but I'm keeping this simple. A, B, C will be true.

Please, God. Let that be all.

What I Got:

A, B, and C completely true. What's more offensive, the book was actually... boring. Boringly bad. Clever cat sees his lady-keeper lonely and unloved and starts orchestrating an inter-apartment romance with a single hot guy. With excruciating points of the cat-lady baby talking at the cat and painting through the misery of her singleness. When I'm reading a Cat Fancy book and actually wishing for magical hi-jinks or at least a laughable sex scene- you know it's dull times.

Cover Execution:

2/10

This cover tells me nothing other than there's probably a cat in this book. And someone crazy who uses pink leopard-print pattern. Maybe Snooki wrote it.

THE LAST STAND OF THE DNA COWBOYS

Some co-workers of mine purchased this book for me to add to my Horrible Reading List. (Either as a kindness or in effort to incite pain, most likely the latter). At first glance, I wasn't to horrified, really the art is reasonable - but perhaps a bit... ludicrous. Let's see.

The Last Stand of The DNA Cowboys by Mick Farren

Expectations:

Space cowboys, and some kind of bard...and a lady. They ride lizards on faraway planets, and are visiting a lovely futuristic city. Probably to cause a ruckus. That's what cowboys do. In ... space.

What I Got:

Exactly what I was expecting, and SO MUCH MORE. The plot feels like the author NEEDED, with a sense of desperate abandon, to cram as much "cool shit" into this book as possible. There's the space mercenary cowboy with blasters...SEX.. the space minstrel cowboy with a space guitar...SEX... the space "religious" type cowboy...SEX ... and a loose woman who proceeds to sleep with all of them THREESOMES. The space mercenary army of men and mutants. RAPE The religious group. TANTRIC SEX ... The space scientists. TIGHT SPANDEX The crystal city. HOOKERS. Cloning people TO BE SEX SLAVES. Luckily most of the capslock topics happen in an offscreen or non-descriptive manner. It just felt like it was written by a guy doing drugs and writing for an audience of pubescent males. Oh, also there's some kind of great psychic void eating the world and at the end, everyone dies. Sorry, spoilers.

Cover Execution:

9.5/10

Seriously, this is pretty much a scene from the book rendered exactly. The only thing that keeps it from being a 10/10 is there's no way to imply SEX is happening offscreen somehow. Could have also used some lasers.

PS: Also-

Butterfly women.

Orgies.

Cyborgs having some kind of plug-in sex.

Space truckers.

Ninjas.

Midget assassins.

Drugs.

DNA Mutants.

Dimensional travel.

Tanks.

Getting drunk all the time.

Complete lack of plot direction or character arc resolution.

oh and,

Apocalypse of the Universe.

I WISH I KNEW GERMAN pt2

Seriously.

SPAWN (God Dammit)

Clearly the last baby book wasn't frightening enough. I was prepared to tackle a more terrifying baby book. This wretched paperback beat me once before... (I was too fearful of the cover. LOOK AT IT), so I dug it out of my "horrible book box" and decided to man up and try and read SPAWN (again).

SPAWN by Shaun Hutson

Expectations:
Super mutant evil huge babies. That capture men and put them in jars, who scream in terror for escape- knowing the lopsided baby has nefarious, evil plans for it. LET'S DO THIS, HORRIBLE BOOK. BRING IT ON.

What I got:
God dammit. Again. This time I got through a few chapters; and as soon as the main character, weeping fearful tears- suckles a reanimated fetus by cutting his nipple... I just lost it. There's only so much "burying dead babies in a field and Frankenstein-ing them to life and cuddling them" I can take before my nerves shatter, and I am overwhelmed in disgust and horror.

Cover Execution:
??/10
If, indeed, later in the book the undead babies grow huge and capture men in jars- this could be spot on. I will never know. This time I threw the book in the garbage- to rid myself of it forever. Babies prove themselves yet again to be my greatest fear, and I cannot face them. In time, perhaps I will overcome their paralyzing goos and gaas, flailing tiny limbs and need for suckling human fluids... but not today.

WHEN HARLIE WAS ONE

So, it was time to stop reading any book that claimed to have anything to do with cats. Now was the time to tackle literary BABIES; probably my least favorite thing other than perhaps, literary monkeys. This hideous cover delight was a birthday present- so I felt compelled to read it. Steeling myself for the worst, I entered baby HARLIE's world.

When HARLIE Was One by David Gerrold

Expectations:
I first assumed this was a book about quilting and babies. Then I realized this was one of those covers from the 1970s when pastel bookcovers with earth-tone pattern were totally groovy... and that was actually some kind of representation of a chip board. This made me feel better, because robot babies aren't actually babies and aren't as scary. They tend to be particularly intelligent and usually turn on their human creators. Unless they also look like babies and then they are even more terrifying. This book must be about a rampaging killer cyborg baby! Oh God what have I done?!

What I got:
Oh. Well. Firstly, HARLIE is not actually one. It's more like ... 8 in developmental years. So, not a baby. Also, a supercomputer that takes up a whole room. So, it clearly isn't a baby. Whew. The plot revolves around a painfully reserved scientist having very long, very deep conversations with a computer, who is mastering the process of being "human". HARLIE the computer spends about a chapter discussing love, another discussing rationality, and a few more discussing morality. The best part is when the computer learns to get high by dumping its memory with artistic and irrational logic and starts spouting poetry. I'm actually going to say the book was a bit tedious, but interesting. If you like having conversations with computers all in CAPS LOCK. BECAUSE HARLIE TALKS IN CAPS LOCK.

Cover Execution:
1/10
Seriously? There were no babies, and you can't tell me that pattern looks a thing like a circuit board. No babies at all. And the book was far from horrible. I escape this adventure relatively unscathed.

I WISH I KNEW GERMAN

So I could read these books.