Sunday, August 7, 2011


My coworkers have now learned that if I am presented with a horrible book... I will indeed read it. I owe this one to the flea market divings of one such person, who apparently claim it was inspired with Usually romances are sucker punches because the ratio of bad-cover-to-bad-book is freakishly high, but this really presented a special challenge.

The Sea Tyrant by Peter Freuchen
Okay, seriously. The first thing I saw was Captain Haddock beating the crap out of TinTin. And a woman in a fur rug begging for mercy... and love, I guess. That's what the tag line says. So that's my guess: vintage pulp smut of Captain Haddock beating TinTin and refusing beautiful damsels his affections.

What I Got:
... I learned something from this book. If you are a Captain on a whaling ship, your job was to punch everyone in the face. Everyone.

Your sailing recruiter? Beat him and throw him below decks to die.
Your new, eager sailing recruits? Rumble with all of them and nearly kill one with a chair.
Someone offer you tea? Call them a wimp and punch them.
The native woman you're trying to rape not complying? Beat the everliving hell out of that wench with a knotted rope.
Your crew worried about the storm? Hit them until they are unfit for duty.
Have a bad dream? Wake up and punch everyone in arm's reach.
The mail boy not have a letter from your wife? Push him to the floor.
Mutiny? Not when you can punch your whole crew into submission!
Someone took your goddamn chair? Elbow them down.
That woman who removed all her cloths and draped herself on your bed? I don't think so, you hussy- I'm not that kind of man. I'm noble, so I'm going to beat you out of my cabin and leave you naked and bleeding on the deck.
That stupid crewmember who ran you too close to the reef? Punch him into the effing ocean.

Cover Execution:
Captain Haddock is, indeed, a dick. +9
Not actually a romance novel, but a violent, angry adventure with an unsympathetic hero and a lot of blubber. - 1

PS: The weirdest thing about this book is it was written by the author as based on his experiences on a whaling ship. I'm never getting near a whaling ship. Ever.


Well. You know what they say... third time's the charm?

The Cat's Fancy by Gwynn E. Ambrose

You know, I'm not even sure anymore. The last two guesses were so far off, I'm actually afraid to presume this book could be as normal as I suspect it will be. A) Written by some crazy cat lady. B) Probably a romance C) Bad. I could make wild speculation as to this cat actually being a demon or this cat transforming into a handsome, droll gentleman to woo unknowing human ladies but I'm keeping this simple. A, B, C will be true.
Please, God. Let that be all.

What I Got:
A, B, and C completely true. What's more offensive, the book was actually... boring. Boringly bad. Clever cat sees his lady-keeper lonely and unloved and starts orchestrating an inter-apartment romance with a single hot guy. With excruciating points of the cat-lady baby talking at the cat and painting through the misery of her singleness. When I'm reading a Cat Fancy book and actually wishing for magical hi-jinks or at least a laughable sex scene- you know it's dull times.

Cover Execution:
This cover tells me nothing other than there's probably a cat in this book. And someone crazy who uses pink leopard-print pattern. Maybe Snooki wrote it.