I AM MAKING A COMEBACK

Harry Potter and The Cursed Child has inspired me once again, to read nonsense.

That is all. 

THE FINAL PROGRAMME

Well. I'm back to reading a few things. This was another book lent to me for perusal due to a hideous cover design. It actually has TWO covers. I'm not sure if they didn't know which one was worse or what, but I've not seen a book with two covers in a while. Also, MICHAEL MOORCOCK. We're in for a trip.

THE FINAL PROGRAMME by Michael Moorcock. 

Expectations: 
This dude is HORRIFIED by the terrible 70's quilt! EVERYTHING IS WRONG HALP. I seriously have no idea. I tried to ignore the text and just pay attention to the small screaming man in the middle of an eye-offending design. 

What I Got:
  I admit it, I was so desperate for a book to read I embraced this like a hobo clutches a stray PBR he's stolen from a college party. It read like a series of screwed up British dystopian short stories centered around a very unlikable rich jerk who has quite possibly, the most messed up adventures ever. 
   Jerry Cornelius dandies around future London in smart jackets and fancy cravat shirts, engaging in all kinds of odd promiscuity and indulgence. He gathers some guys to break into his deceased father's house so he can kick his brother Frank's ass and rescue his sister/lover Catherine. Yeah, so sideline there... he's doing his sister. Great. Anyway, he ends up shooting her to death with his needle gun on accident and that whole plotline goes away. Thank God. The second plot is that Jerry's father was working on some crazy research that some of these housebreakers want; particularly Miss Brunner, who is some kind of cross between a snarky school marm and a succubus. She sexes people and absorbs them in some way not quite explained. She's also kind of badass... like a White Court Vampire and a CS major in one.
    After Frank gets away and Jerry is left shot up with needles, he's rescued by Miss Brunner. Brunner clearly has some thing for cravats because she's all about trying to get Jerry to go catch Frank and get this programme data she's trying to acquire for some sort of nebulous purpose Jerry doesn't think too much about because he's a huge idiot, despite his witty one-liners. There are Nazis and a secret base and more parties. And more parties. And humanity's decline. 
    While mankind is destroying itself Jerry and Miss Brunner are traipsing around in Elysian fields while the programme completes. In the end Miss Brunners stunning "final programme" is to get sexytimes on with Jerry, and for some reason they combine into one androgynous new god of mankind. They lead the whole of the UK populace into the sea and then decide to go take over the US. End book.

   I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. 

Cover Execution:
1/10 
WTF. I have no idea. I guess if I knew I was going to get assaulted and turn into an androgynous world-redeeming god I'd be screaming too. So that's what the point is for. 

PS: Some things that come up in this book...

Driving in a car drinking scotch like it ain't no thing
Swedish girls
The worst nightclubs ever
White paint co-ed wrestling
Psychedelic attack lights
Butt-slapping everyone
Underground caves
If you see a computer that says DUEL on it, destroy that shit and run

I'M COMING BACK SOON

So, my new phone has Netfix on it... and I have WiFi at the gym... and after watching all of Twin Peaks and Avengers:World's Mightiest Heroes I started watching Buffy again. BIG MISTAKE. I have read almost nothing in months. I'm vowing to renew my reading habits and stop falling under the thrall of Joss Whedon.

Seriously I've got a STACK of books to read with horrible covers. 

FILE M FOR MURDER

This book was a gift from someone who knows I love 3 things in life. Cats. Bad Book Covers. MURDER. 

FILE M FOR MURDER: by Miranda James.

Expectations:

This pudgy cat is intense. He's looking through these books because someone got murdered and he's going to solve the case! The secrets are in the books! Please tell me this is a detective cat and he can talk like that Wishbone kids show or something. Probably not, but that would be cool. 

What I got:

Well. No. The cat belongs to the main character, a very affable widower called Charlie who is a librarian and has two very nice full-grown children and many charming friends in the community of Mississippi where he lives. He gets caught up in criminal cases a lot, and this time his daughter is in trouble and some jerk ex-boyfriend of hers gets murdered.  

The cat, "Diesel", is his big Maine Coon he takes everywhere and walks around on a leash. Diesel doesn't speak or solve murders exactly but he "warbles", "chirps", "mutters" and all kinds of strange descriptions of cats making cat sounds. He is also awesome and gets Charlie attention from all the ladies in town. Seriously, what I've learned is that women apparently love men with cats. So if anyone wants a date, get yourself a giant cat on a leash. BAM. The ladies can't resist it. I mean, I even had a soft spot for Charlie by the time the book was over. He was very charming and kind and clever and - SEE? SEE THERE? Works every time. 

My biggest issue with this book was how damn anticlimactic it was. They worked up forever to the end and then literally there was no fight involving giant cats or anything. I was totally expecting Diesel to go crazy and attack the murderer. I was disappointed. 

Cover Execution:

6/10

Meh. There was a cat and he does go to the library with Charlie but one of the biggest issues is that I didn't even NOTICE the butterfly on the book. It blends right in and explains the cat's doings about those books and his intense look. I call this a failure in legibility more so than a bad cover. But I also like cats and books so I'm biased. 

PULP COVERS

I need to find these books. I love pulp covers so much. 

IT JUST WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. DO NOT FEAR SUPER-SCIENCE.

How horrifying! That cat has murdered a fish!

Well this place must suck but the space-cravat is amazing.

SEMAPHORE: *(AKA: STONY SLASH FICTION, Y'ALL)

I am a believer in the mantra that you cannot judge a book or genre entirely without at least reading one of them to better understand them. I've lately been making tons of fun of Avengers slash fiction (just don't ask why this comes up in my life so often)... and I figured I'd better find one with a cover and just get it over with so I can make fun of Marvel Slashfic forever. Particularly Stony. Shut up about Stony, women of the internet! IT IS NOT A REAL THING. These two would make a terrible couple. 

I am going to regret this endeavor. 

SEMAPHORE by Devil Doll.

Expectations:
For one glorious moment I thought maybe this book was about Tony Stark and Steve Rogers fighting the Devil Doll from Trilogy of Terror at the top of Stark Tower. This is how hard my mind subliminally rejects this whole genre. However, okay... Slash. Right. Steve's making a stupid puppy dog face and I guess Tony's all looking wistful. This seems innocent enough, but my God, I'm scared. Also, what the HELL is a "semaphore"? I had to actually look up a word that titles a SLASH FICTION and this enraged me. "Signaling method"? 

Okay, okay... they are going to like, flirt and give some kind of mansigns to each other that they would like to engage in a relationship. They will have sex atop Stark tower, probably after drinking, because Tony is really good at drinking. There. That's my guess. 

What I got:
... I'm... wait. 
Let me explain how this went. It was 99 pages long. Which was, pretty effing longer than I expected. And honestly, I was charmed with it for a while. It was like reading a bizarre "Avengers slice-of-life" story where they just hang out together and cook and talk and you get a little insight into what a superteam does on their days off. (And what kind of Halloween parties they throw). There were some hilarious and actually well-written moments (Namor, I love it when you show up anywhere)- some parts that made me feel sad (the drawn-out, realistic breakup between Pepper and Tony;  the friendship between Steve and a 90 year old granny being his most meaningful connection), and epic moments of partying by Thor and the Asgardians that seemed to feel, well- all comic-booky and adorable and generally people felt in-character. 
There were several cultural bits thrown in for relevance, and cameos by other Marvel universe characters- and I'm going to even argue that the bit making fun of Twighlight was funny as hell. 

Listen, long story short and avoiding talking about Stark/Rogers action which was pretty clearly described (I admit I skipped over a lot of it, I just.. I can't.) - I was shocked to find that the whole thing felt... "wholesome"? I was expecting something horribly written and somehow awful and dumb and it just came off like a sweet love story fluff-fiction about two broken-hearted people falling in love and... and... for the love of God it had a freaking cookie recipe from Clint Barton at the end!? 

CURSE YOU DEVIL DOLL. Just because your stupid story wasn't horrendously bad doesn't mean I'm not still on Team Pepperony forever! 

Cover Execution:
7/10
Stark and Rogers do it in Stark Tower after 55 pages of doing a lot of soul-searching and talking about feelings and staring longingly. Could it have killed Devil Doll to find a picture of Chris Evans that wasn't Chris Evans and looked more like Steve Rogers? WHAT THE HELL. THAT IS MY COVER CRITIQUE? I need to go ... wash my mind with bleach. 

(I laughed when Steve exclaimed "Holy Cow!". I did. Did they just "50 Shades" us?!)

MACHOPONI: A PRANCE WITH DEATH

This was a gift from a friend I've been saving up to read for a time when I really needed a good boost. I'm a really simple soul and sometimes you just need to read a book about killer bastardizations of My Little Ponies to make you smile, you know?

MACHOPONI: A PRANCE WITH DEATH by Lotus Rose. 

Expectations:
YES. This badass pony and his girlfriend have just slaughtered a dozen Carebears. These ponies are awesome. They will go on adventures and fight evil bears and prance in the moonlight under the starry sky. DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, LOTUS ROSE. 

What I Got:
Sometimes, a book tries just too hard to be bad. And then your mind flips over wholly and looks for shining literary wisdom and beautiful, harmonious metaphor in it. Let me regale you with what I believe Lotus Rose's true meaning was:

The beautiful temptress will lead you astray, betraying your heart and drawing you into danger she yearns for. Regardless of your genuine macho nobility, and the amount of your own childhood you will rip apart in your quest; (leaving behind a bloody, crying mess of nostalgia)- she will only draw you deeper into misery. Innocence is lost along the way as you fight to impress her. You will experience drugs, perversions, lies, and lose your very soul in a hopeless, naive floundering of machismo. In the end she and her issues are revealed as intense self-destruction, anorexia, and cold indifference to your love. She will cast you back from the land of shadows you have followed her deep into; her final redemption will be giving your empty shell life again, forgetting she existed. She will twist forever in her misery as you move on with your life. 

Shit was deep. I feel like Hemingway could have taken some notes here. 

Cover Execution:
8/10
Technically Dust doesn't get that tramp stamp for a while into the book, and never appears with Machoponi as he slays the don'tcarebears. And they have porcupine quills for some reason. Other than that, spot on. 

PS: Lotus Rose is a goth guy who is working hard to copywrite the corruptagram, the tattoo on Dust's hindquarters. I'm serious. 
PSS: Friendship is Magic.