THE CAT'S FANCY

I never learn a goddamn thing. I went back to another Cat Fancy. But... you know... I'm not going to let one horrible book called Cat Fancy keep me from reading another horrible book called Cat Fancy. That would be admitting defeat. And no book will defeat me.

The Cat's Fancy by Julie Kenner

Expectations:
Naked man-back, as he wistfully smiles back at us, holding a cat. The logo at the bottom indicates this will be "A Time of My Life"... and the font treatment screams "generic romance novel". Okay, I'm guessing this naked handsome man is some kind of Humane Society worker who loves cats... and somehow some lady is going to fall for him while bringing in a stray. He's going to at some point say "you're my rescue, __insert romance lady name here__". I'm sure of it. Man, I could have written this myself. I've got this nailed. Ladies LOVE men who love cats. FACT.

What I got:
.... what the...wait...what....what.... The CAT loves the naked man. The CAT goes to a magic cat to turn into a human. The CAT becomes a hot, voluptuous lady and has several ludicrous adventures trying to keep the naked man (he wears cloths) from marrying his bitchy fiancee. The cat makes friends with "Hoops" the best friend of Naked Man and his sister "Arty Girl that Believes in Magic". The CAT has sexy times with the man. The CAT gets her wish to be human. It's like the Little Mermaid, but if the mermaid wasn't even half-human, but was a freaking tuna.
THE CAT.

Cover Execution:
5/10
I was tricked again by a Cat Fancy!?! What the hell? I'm docking this half points for not having any kind of magical logo or anything to warn me. Look at the look on that cat's face now. You know what she's thinking? She's going to turn into a lady and hit that. How was I supposed to know this by looking at the cover? This is exactly the kind of face my husband's cat makes and now I REALLY don't trust her, that hussy.

Bonus:
Holy crap the ads in the back of this book are incredible.
"Something Wild"
Tara Martin seeks to make a name for herself as a star photojournalist...but when a plea from her best friend sends her off into the Appalachian wilderness to snap a Sasquatch, a twisted ankle leaves her in the most precarious of positions. When she looks up, she sees the biggest foot she's ever seen...attached to an even bigger man... with a colossal heart and a body to die for...

You. Are. Kidding. Me.

Bigfoot romance novels EXIST, ladies. The truth is out there.

IN DEFENSE OF MY READING HABITS

I feel the need to explain myself a bit, or at least defend my reading habits. I've recently been asked if I "actually read any GOOD books"- and in fact I do. Reading is a lot more fun if you mix it up with a bunch of different flavors. I actually read books in a cycle:
1. "Classic" from the BBC list which I would like to finish, or an otherwise excellent older book.
2. A book club book (I have two VERY different book clubs I read with... so this usually means a more modern "good" book and a "good" sci fi).
3. A terrible book that equates to eating literary junk food.

I've also mastered reading on the treadmill or stairmaster, so the gym ends up doubling as reading time. Which is consequently RIGHT on the way from the library. So many books are consumed.

THE RIGHT TO ARM BEARS

I needed to fully cleanse my mind after the horrors of Cat Fancy, so I headed for safer waters in the realm of science fiction. Just look at this cover? How could this be less than awful?

The Right to Arm Bears by Gordon R. Dickson

Expectations:
Awful pun for a title. A bear with an AK 47, smoking a cigar with some kind of bear half-smirk. Spaceship in background... my guess was aliens use some kind of technology to make bears smart enough to be the ultimate guerrilla warriors? Oh, boy- look at that tagline. I bet there's irreverent poop jokes abound. (Please, no bear sex).

What I got:
What? Wait... this was basically a compilation of three small books collected into one novel. There are no guns in the whole thing. There are no bears smoking or wearing berets. Each story was a very politics-heavy story about a human thrown into a foreign planet where... bears have a very primitive and twisted honor-based code of ethics and behavior. There's some other aliens too, and they want to be friends with the bears first. It's like each story was the same. Human gets in trouble. Human has to fight a 9 foot tall bear-man to retain honor for all humanity. Other aliens try to make humans look bad. Human somehow tricks bear into losing the fight and humans get respect. NO GUNS. NO CIGARS. NO CAMO.

Cover Execution:
1.5/10
Total fail. The only thing that was correct is there's a spaceship mentioned at some point and the aliens look like big bear people. I can only imagine the publisher realized how damn hard it would be to market a serious bear-space-politics book and just gave up and put a "totally awesome bear like Che Guevara on the front and like, puns and, like a poop joke". I was seriously upset to not have bear gun wars as promised.

CAT FANCY

I dared to read a book with a Poser model composed cover. Sometimes, when your gut says "don't take that dare", you should listen to it. Or you just might force yourself to read a 40 page novella that ends up being the literary equivalent of drinking orange juice and milk mixed together; then spending the next few hours feeling regretful and nauseous.

Cat Fancy by Julia Talbot.

Expectations:
Well this isn't the Cat Fancy we all know and love, as I see no Persian cats and article titles such as "Tuna or Whiting: Which is Healthier for Your Kitty?"... but there's three poser models that look like they are probably in some kind of romantic triangle or something- man, look at how bad that hair rendering is! Oh I bet this is Twighlight with werecats? Hahaha- that font for CAT FANCY. Or were...leopards? Who names a romance novel CAT FANCY? Or... man I give up.

What I Got:
God. Dammit.
A book about 3 werecats having explicit, poorly written sex with dialogue such as "God, look at how hot you are for me, babe" and "I like extra cream...with everything" and "When her arms gestured her tits bounced" and "Pretty, pretty, pretty kitty". I'm just imagining some woman... at home with her cats, writing this at her coffee table and thinking "someone must share my werecat threesome fantasies!".

Cover Execution:
9/10
I should have studied it closer... the telling signs were there. I was blinded by the bad cover and didn't heed the warnings. The gilded pink font...The terrible 80's hair. The bustier and booty shorts... the poser hand at his fly. The clasped mandibles... The too-tight shirts. "Changeling Press"... What a fool I was. This cover said "horrible threesome porno novella" all over it. I'm sticking to sci-fi for a while to bleach my mind.