FILE M FOR MURDER

This book was a gift from someone who knows I love 3 things in life. Cats. Bad Book Covers. MURDER. 

FILE M FOR MURDER: by Miranda James.

Expectations:

This pudgy cat is intense. He's looking through these books because someone got murdered and he's going to solve the case! The secrets are in the books! Please tell me this is a detective cat and he can talk like that Wishbone kids show or something. Probably not, but that would be cool. 

What I got:

Well. No. The cat belongs to the main character, a very affable widower called Charlie who is a librarian and has two very nice full-grown children and many charming friends in the community of Mississippi where he lives. He gets caught up in criminal cases a lot, and this time his daughter is in trouble and some jerk ex-boyfriend of hers gets murdered.  

The cat, "Diesel", is his big Maine Coon he takes everywhere and walks around on a leash. Diesel doesn't speak or solve murders exactly but he "warbles", "chirps", "mutters" and all kinds of strange descriptions of cats making cat sounds. He is also awesome and gets Charlie attention from all the ladies in town. Seriously, what I've learned is that women apparently love men with cats. So if anyone wants a date, get yourself a giant cat on a leash. BAM. The ladies can't resist it. I mean, I even had a soft spot for Charlie by the time the book was over. He was very charming and kind and clever and - SEE? SEE THERE? Works every time. 

My biggest issue with this book was how damn anticlimactic it was. They worked up forever to the end and then literally there was no fight involving giant cats or anything. I was totally expecting Diesel to go crazy and attack the murderer. I was disappointed. 

Cover Execution:

6/10

Meh. There was a cat and he does go to the library with Charlie but one of the biggest issues is that I didn't even NOTICE the butterfly on the book. It blends right in and explains the cat's doings about those books and his intense look. I call this a failure in legibility more so than a bad cover. But I also like cats and books so I'm biased. 

PULP COVERS

I need to find these books. I love pulp covers so much. 

IT JUST WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. DO NOT FEAR SUPER-SCIENCE.

How horrifying! That cat has murdered a fish!

Well this place must suck but the space-cravat is amazing.

SEMAPHORE: *(AKA: STONY SLASH FICTION, Y'ALL)

I am a believer in the mantra that you cannot judge a book or genre entirely without at least reading one of them to better understand them. I've lately been making tons of fun of Avengers slash fiction (just don't ask why this comes up in my life so often)... and I figured I'd better find one with a cover and just get it over with so I can make fun of Marvel Slashfic forever. Particularly Stony. Shut up about Stony, women of the internet! IT IS NOT A REAL THING. These two would make a terrible couple. 

I am going to regret this endeavor. 

SEMAPHORE by Devil Doll.

Expectations:
For one glorious moment I thought maybe this book was about Tony Stark and Steve Rogers fighting the Devil Doll from Trilogy of Terror at the top of Stark Tower. This is how hard my mind subliminally rejects this whole genre. However, okay... Slash. Right. Steve's making a stupid puppy dog face and I guess Tony's all looking wistful. This seems innocent enough, but my God, I'm scared. Also, what the HELL is a "semaphore"? I had to actually look up a word that titles a SLASH FICTION and this enraged me. "Signaling method"? 

Okay, okay... they are going to like, flirt and give some kind of mansigns to each other that they would like to engage in a relationship. They will have sex atop Stark tower, probably after drinking, because Tony is really good at drinking. There. That's my guess. 

What I got:
... I'm... wait. 
Let me explain how this went. It was 99 pages long. Which was, pretty effing longer than I expected. And honestly, I was charmed with it for a while. It was like reading a bizarre "Avengers slice-of-life" story where they just hang out together and cook and talk and you get a little insight into what a superteam does on their days off. (And what kind of Halloween parties they throw). There were some hilarious and actually well-written moments (Namor, I love it when you show up anywhere)- some parts that made me feel sad (the drawn-out, realistic breakup between Pepper and Tony;  the friendship between Steve and a 90 year old granny being his most meaningful connection), and epic moments of partying by Thor and the Asgardians that seemed to feel, well- all comic-booky and adorable and generally people felt in-character. 
There were several cultural bits thrown in for relevance, and cameos by other Marvel universe characters- and I'm going to even argue that the bit making fun of Twighlight was funny as hell. 

Listen, long story short and avoiding talking about Stark/Rogers action which was pretty clearly described (I admit I skipped over a lot of it, I just.. I can't.) - I was shocked to find that the whole thing felt... "wholesome"? I was expecting something horribly written and somehow awful and dumb and it just came off like a sweet love story fluff-fiction about two broken-hearted people falling in love and... and... for the love of God it had a freaking cookie recipe from Clint Barton at the end!? 

CURSE YOU DEVIL DOLL. Just because your stupid story wasn't horrendously bad doesn't mean I'm not still on Team Pepperony forever! 

Cover Execution:
7/10
Stark and Rogers do it in Stark Tower after 55 pages of doing a lot of soul-searching and talking about feelings and staring longingly. Could it have killed Devil Doll to find a picture of Chris Evans that wasn't Chris Evans and looked more like Steve Rogers? WHAT THE HELL. THAT IS MY COVER CRITIQUE? I need to go ... wash my mind with bleach. 

(I laughed when Steve exclaimed "Holy Cow!". I did. Did they just "50 Shades" us?!)